The Quest for Butter: The Fake Stuff
by Lady Hazel
Summary: Three teenage Kids go on a quest for butter (the fake stuff) and start looking in Tortall. Aided by the things that aided Alanna, they try to find butter, as I have already said. BASED on a true story. Just BASED. Story says: Read Me! Review me. Need love
1. Prologue

The Quest for Butter (The Fake Stuff)  
Chapter one: Prologue

Once upon a time, on a warm sunny Sunday ( Sun-day...haha get it...sun...day...aww never mind) in the year 2004 of the month of July, at a church on the corner of Bural and 19th Street, sat three hungry, bored friends.  
"I'm bored." Said Cody as he tried to fly like Super Man sitting down.  
"Me too!!!" Dana agreed as she banged her head against the wall.  
Joey (a girl, not a guy people come on, it's me and Dana and a random friend of ours that you know nothing of.) checked her watch. "Well, off to the SUN-daily grind.( hehe) I'll be back after I do the songs for the kids." The others nod and she walks away.  
( Might want to tell you that the three help entertain children at church.) Some time after she was done singing, She found a random loaf of French bread.  
"Oh, huh huh huh( in strange french accent) Bread. Yumm." She runs out side to show the others her discovery.  
"Look Cody. Joey found...a small brown bag!" Dana started running to Joey.  
Cody looks sad, "I've always wanted a small brown bag of my own and that wench got it before me." He Superman flew to her, never really leaving the ground.  
"Guess what I found." She asked the others.  
At the same time, Cody and Dana said, "A small brown bag! I want it!"  
They both look at each other, "No I want it." Cody said. Dana said the same thing. They started to fight right in front of two children who were only trying to go to the bathroom.  
Joey kicked them both. "Stop it. It's not just a brown bag, it's a loaf of bread. Here have some if it will keep you from tearing each others thoughts out." Joey gave them both a little piece of the bread. ( You see, it's about ten thirty in the morning and they haven't had anything to eat. So there hungry)  
They all found chairs and started to sit down and eat the bread. But about five minutes in to their conversation and eating they realize that the bread would taste a lot better if they had butter. ( Preferably margarine.)  
"Hey," Joey said. "Does any one have butter?"  
"I don't," Dana said. She looked over to Cody who wasn't involved in any of the conversation as he was being to preoccupied with rolling his bread into a ball. Dana kicked his shoe.  
"I didn't do it, I swear. I didn't know that skateboarding on the cop's car with out a helmet was a cri...Oh, umm forget that. What?" Cody was obviously caught off guard and was thinking of ...other things.  
"Do you have any butter?" Dana asked Cody.  
"Yes." Cody plainly said.  
Joey looked relived that she had found a greasy substance to put on the bread to help it gild down her...eating tube in her neck. "So give it to us."  
"Oh," Cody said and started to reach in his pocket. The girls looked at each other in doubt, but Cody liked to carry random things in his pocket so he probably did have butter.  
He pulled his hand out and placed the object in Joey's hand looking pleased with himself.  
"Uh, Cody," Joey took another look at what was in her hand. "This is Pocket lint."  
"I know." He said, still looking pleased.  
"We want butter." Joey said.  
"I know."  
"Where the hell is the butter!!" Dana yelled at Cody, now standing up looking very angry.  
"The what?" Cody looked Confused.  
Dana was about to punch Cody, when something hit the back of her head and she passed out.  
  
Uhh, well Dana and I are writing this story together and we actually did go on a quest for butter but it wasn't this...adventurous. And I just realized that we didn't put any TP character in this chapter...uhh...Alanna. George. Jon. Liam. Hehe Leo. Uh Gwen. Uhh....Stefan he's cool. Never fear they will be TP stuff in here...we promise. 


	2. A Magical Sword, A Cat God, And A Horse

Chapter two  
  
When Dana awoke, she woke to an unfamiliar familiar sight.( Confusing? It should be.)  
"What happened?" Dana asked rubbing her head.  
"A shoe hit you head." Cody said plainly.  
"Honestly man, who throws a shoe?" All three look straight at you with a fake smile while caned laughter sounds in the background. The moment passed and all three resume there conversation.  
"So, where are we?" Dana asked.  
"Were in Tortall." Joey said, like it was an everyday thing.  
"How did we get here?" Dana asked skeptically while she was looking around. It had always been her teenage dream to be in Tortall, but knew it wasn't possible to go to a fictional world.  
"It just happened that Cody had a RTTM in his pocket." When Joey saw the look of utter confusion on Dana face she explained, "A Realm Travel Transporter Machine."  
Cody walked up behind Dana and said, "Yea, my great aunt was Marry Poppins."  
Dana finally understood how he always had stuff to pull out of his pocket that would never be possible to pull out of a real pocket.  
"So what are we doing here?" Dana asked.  
"Were here to find butter, duh" Cody said the "duh" in a valley girl voice.  
"Ohhhhhhhh, yeaaaah." Dana remembered.  
Joey was obviously making herself leader. "Come on. Let's go. I want to have butter." They all walked off and to the city of Corus to find butter.  
On there way, they saw a sword logged in to a large boulder. Cody automatically went to the sword screaming "Excalibur is mine!!" Unfortunately, he tripped on his way there, springing his ankle. But that didn't stop him. He still hopped to the stone and tried to pull the sword from the stone. It didn't work and Cody fell over, fatigued.  
"Move over," Dana insisted. She, too, tried to pull the sword free, but failed. Joey, obviously annoyed, pushed Dana and Cody to the side and assumed the PSPP ( Proper Sword Pulling Position). All of a sudden, a light shone down from the sky and holy music of a choir singing only one note in unison sang out. Then Joey pulled the sword and held it high above her head.  
The other two looked on in astonishment.  
"How did you do that?" Cody asked.  
"It was easy. I just stepped on the light button and the music button and I pulled the sword free. Not to mention you are lying on the button to let the sword free." Cody moved and saw a button labeled , " Release Button".  
"Oh." Cody said. Then looking on at Joey he said, "Hail the new king." Joey looked at him sharply. He shut up.  
All of a sudden, a hug crowd appeared and started to say, "Hail the new king" repeatedly. That made her angry, but she kept her mouth shut. She didn't want to risk the mob's anger.  
She held the sword for the crowd to see. "I have found Excalibur. Your land will be..." She stopped in mid sentence. On the hilt on the sword read, "Insert quarter here."  
"Cody, give me a quarter." Joey yelled. He tossed her a quarter out of his pocket and she did as the directions bid her.  
Suddenly, the original crowed was gone and was replace by a hundred orcs, hobbits, elves and Aragorn and an evil eye that was Suron. She saw that her sword was now glowing blue.  
"This wasn't Excalibur at all." It was sting, the sword that Bilbo gave Frodo. Upon one more further inspection, she found that the sword had the name 'Lightning' written on it in terrible handwriting with a purple sharpie pen. Suddenly (again) the crowd disappeared, but was only followed by a horse and a cat.  
Dana looked overjoyed, "Lookie, a horsy. Oooo horsy horsy horsy." She looked at Joey and Cody who were looking at her oddly. "I mean, hey look a horse. I'll go get it and, uhh, we can use it to ride on." (Dana is a tomboy and the others never thought they would hear anything girly come out of her mouth.) Dana proceeded to fetch the horse.  
Cody, however, had already had the cat and was trying to stick it in his pants. "Tengo un gatto negro en mi pantalones." He said very happiely. ( Translation: I have a black cat in my pants.)  
The cat spoke after it finally accepted that he was stuck in a strange boys pants. "I hope no one from the other realm hears about this." then the cat started to yell at Cody. "Get me out of here. I am a god. I shouldn't be treated like this."   
"No way, talking cat. I'm finally living my dream."  
The cat grined, even though cats can't grin. "Okay. I'll just have to use your frank and beans as a scratching post." Needless to say, Cody had that cat out of his pants and in a cage ( that came out of his pocket) as fast as possible.  
Dana came back with the horse saying, "Hey this horse has the name "Moonlight" written on it's thigh in sloppy purple pen. Can we call it Bob?"  
Joey was now wondering how she got stuck with the friends she had. " How about we name it Moonlight?"  
"Okay. I like that name better." They all joined together to walk to Corus to find butter. Joey carrying Lightning, Dana with Moonlight, and Cody with Faithful in a cage.  
The walk wasn't a pleasant one though. The cat kept complaining about how the cage was uncomfortable. Finally, Cody pulled out a blanket and put it in the cage.  
They finally reached Corus, but just as they were walking into the city they ran into a horse and a red headed woman.  
She instantly turned around, "Hey watch it. It's not safe for..." She paused. "Is that my _dead_ horse? And my old sword and ... _my cat?!!!"_ She glared at the three friends.

Don't ask. It was getting a little weird with the sword but it had to be done. and i think the spanish is correct. dont flaime me if i didn't get it right. Come on i was in french not spanish last year. and uhh there is a disclaimer. the only charactor that belongs to me is joey...because it's me. Dana belongs to dana and uhh cody belongs to cody i guess but he's not writing this story soo yea


	3. The Great Llama Escape

**Last thing that happened from Ch: 2**

We finally reached Corus, but just as we were walking into the city we ran into a horse and a red headed woman.

She instantly turned around, "Hey watch it. It's not safe for..." She paused. " Is that my dead horse? And my old sword and ... my cat?!!!" She glared at the three friends.

**Chapter Three: The Great Llama Escape**

Joey was very hesitant. She didn't want to upset the Lioness and see her furry. She looked around for an escape. There was no way out. She was trapped in an open market that was full of people and open air.

Joey looked at the Lioness, "No," She said simply. The lioness looked at Cody and faithful first.

"Faithful, is that you?" Alanna asked.

"Yes. Alanna help me. He stuck me in his pants. Help, please." The cat pleaded.

"Faithful, you know I love you and you helped me a lot, but you're supposed to be dead. And not to mention you were getting annoying and I have a better life now so..." She trailed off to look at Dana and study the horse.

While Alanna was looking at the horse, Cody looked behind himself to see a shop. " Ooooo, candy store." He started to walk to the store with his tongue hanging out, drooling and carrying Faithful still in the cage.

"That's a tobacco shop, you imbecile." Faithful stated, obviously upset that Alanna hadn't come to his rescue.

"Same thing," Cody said and rattled the cage a little. Then he disappeared into the shop.

"Girl," Alanna started to talk to Dana. She looked at Dana then her eyes widened. "You...You look just like me! I mean with out the hair color, but....wow." She stood there for moment in a daze then she came back to her self. "Where did you find my horse? She's been dead for a long time now. This is surly my horse Moonlight."

Dana looked at the writing then back at Alanna. Dana said simply, "No it's not."

" Yes it is. It is written right here." She showed Dana the poorly written letters on the horse's butt/thigh thing.

"That doesn't prove it's yours. That only proves that she belongs to the moon." Alanna looked confused. "You see, the moon saw this horse and decided that she liked it. So she sent down her moonlight with a purple sharpie to place claim on it." She said it as if it was a fact.

Alanna was about to disagree when Dana added, "Besides, do you really want to admit that you have that sloppy of handwriting?"

That shut Alanna up, and Dana went her way tying up Moonlight to a post and walking into the tobacco shop to find Cody and to some candy of her own.

Alanna turned her stair to Joey. "Now how did you get that sword out of the floor? I want it back." She tried to snatch it from Joey.

"But, uh, it has sloppy writing. You don't want that."

"It's my sword. I want it. I don't care about the writing on it."

"But uhh, it's evil. It was corrupted by Roger."

Alanna stopped trying to take the sword. "You're evil." She whispered the words.

"What? No."

"You're Roger reincarnated...again. Only Roger would be able to bring back my horse, cat and sword. Evil!" Alanna drew her sword and started running after Joey with a war cry. "Rahhh!"

"Ahhhhhhh, help, help. Crazy woman! Help" Joey ran around in a loop. When she came back to the shop that Cody had entered she saw Dana and Cody sitting in modern day beach chairs and eating popcorn.

She ran past them and started in the loop again, Alanna hot on her trail, people crowded around them but cleared so they could see the Lioness in action.

When Joey got around she yelled to Dana, "Where did you get the popcorn?"

Dana yelled back, " Where else? Cody's pocket." That should have been a given, but she stopped asking questions and ran faster.

An half hour later Dana stood up from the beach chair. As Joey came around again she called, "Joey I can get you out of this if you want." Joey ran around the street again then when she came back to the Candy/Tobacco store she said, "DO IT!" Dana cleared her throat then yelled, "BLEAP, BLEAP, BLEAPB...SUUUUEEEEE ... BLEAP."

Joey heard what sounded like a herd of buffalo, coming toward them. But she had no time to think about it, Alanna was about to run Joey through, when a fairly large llama swooped down and picked Joey up and propped her up on his back. When Joey looked behind her, she saw Alanna out of breath and saying things that made the street children stair in amazement and wonder saying, "Mother, mother. What does !#$%& mean?" and having mother smack their bottoms when they hear such horrible words come from there little girls' mouth's.

She looked ahead to see Dana and Cody also ridding llamas, still eating popcorn. Even the horse had a giant llama to ride and the cat that was in the cage that was tied with rope on the llama's back.

Dana yelled, "MAAAAAA, MAAAAA, BAAAAA,BAAAAA," and every one's llama began to run, as lamas do. Joey's llama rode next to Dana's llama. "What happened? Where did these llamas come from and why are we riding them?"

"I didn't tell you? HEHE. Silly me. I'm the Llama Queen." Dana sat up a little straighter as she announced her title.

"Llama Queen? Never mind don't answer that. But what did you just say to them?"

"I told them to take us out of here or I would never let them watch Buffy."

"Why do they like to watch Buffy?" Cody asked as he brought his llama to the other side of Dana, still eating popcorn.

"They like to pretend they are the characters." She reached down and rubbed the llama's neck, "They are also my attack llamas. They pretty much will do what ever I tell them to."

Cody got a glint to his eyes. "Anything?"

"Anything."

"Even dance the Macarena?"

Dana sat there for a moment, thinking. "They would try, but I don't know if they could actually do it."

Joey couldn't believe she was hearing this. Llamas, doing the Macarena." Under her breath she said, "Am I the only normal one here?"

Dana heard and said, " No. Your weird. We're normal. I don't know what happened when you were born, but you came out... weird." Joey was now officially confused. She didn't ask any more questions. Frankly, she didn't know if she wanted to know any of the answers.


	4. Prince Iwannalayalaya

This one is for you Eleni AKA LNE 

http/ click this to see a random picture of an ostridge

Sorry it took so long to wrote this chapter, but this is just a summer thing. Our friend wanted to be a character so this is about her but it fits so don't worry.

Don't kill us for any remarks, we're not is! 

"Koom-by-yaaaaaa, my lord. Koom-by-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Koom-by-yaaaaaa, my lord. Koom-by-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

This is where we find our characters, not drunk, but you would think so, sitting around a fire sing church songs; while the llamas practice killing vampires in the background.

"Take it away Cody!" Yelled Joey as she grabbed a stick and caught it on fire and stared at it saying "Fire, oh."

Cody stood up and cleared his throat. "Coons by ya, my lord, Coons by yaaaaaaaa. Coons by me, my lord, Coons by meeee. Coons by joey, my lord," Joey freaks out and screams looking for coons. Cody continues, " Now they're by the llamas my lord, coons by yaaaa!"

The lamas jump around screaming "Where are the vamps we can take them on." (That was llama talk, to someone who can't speak llama it would be- Baaamamaam dsAAAAAAAAAAA!) Owl hoots in the distance and they all scream and put their heads in the sand like ostridges when scared.

Dana pouts, "Why don't I get a coon."

Cody looked at her, "Because you already are a coon, coon!"

"When will you get over that! Once, just once, I put chocolate on my face and you refuse to forget it!"

"Coon."

Joey stands up and franticly looks around. "Cody, where are the coons?"

He raised his hands above his head and said, "Coons are everywhere."

Music started to play and 10 gypsies appeared from behind the llamas all dancing with their hips. And they had no shoes, and they looked a lot like Jasmine but in different colored cloths. Just thought I should mention that. Joey turned over to Cody, "Those aren't coons, those are gypsies."

"I don't like any race so every one is a coon to me, even Dana, just because she's short."

"I'm 5'2 you jack ass!"  
"And I'm 6 foot, therefore, you are short."

"Can we get back to the gypsies, please." Joey said as the women came closer. All three watched as the gypsies danced in front of them, Cody with his jaw on the ground watching…. I bet you think I'm going to say hips huh, no I'm not……their feet.

"MMMMm feet, I want to stick them in…..my pants."

The music stopped and the gypsy with the deep blue cloths and no shoes walked toward them, a small boy clung to her pants. She pulled back her veil and nodded then veiled herself again (Some kind of gypsy greeting) She eyed Cody then looked to Joey, who some how became the leader of the group, when Dana thinks that she's better suited, being the Queen of Llamas and all. (Note to readers: Can you tell Dana is typing this chapter?)

"I am Queen Eleni deYsanders, am I mistaken in believing that you are the Queen of the Llamas?" She asked Joey.

"Yes, you are mistaken." Dana said as she stood in front of Joey "_I_ am the Queen of the llamas." Eleni looked at Dana then snorted.

"I have heard many things of you Dana, and the things your llamas have done.'

"Oh, really."

While the big people talked, the young boy pulled on Cody's pants and lead him away from the others. Cody kneeled down and looked at the boy. His hair was in buns on the sides of his head. "You know what Kid, you look like Princess Laya."

The boy smiled and shook his head. " That is very close to my name. I am Prince Iwannalayalaya." He giggled as he said it.

"What's so funny kid?"

"Your nose reminds me of a hawk."

"Watch it kid, or I'll put you in my pants!" He got up walked into the darkness away from the fires light, now very pissed off. No one notices three of the gypsies following him.

"What do you want with my llamas?" Dana asked the Queen of the gypsies.

"I just want one of them to go back to our camp to perform in one of our ceremonies.

"Alright, but only for a week, I need all my llamas or else the llama crystal will never….never mind" She walked over to her llamas , their heads still in the ground, and poked one of them in the butt. Its head came up and looked at Dana as she told it what it was to do. The llama nodded and walked over, or trotted, or did whatever llamas do, over to the group of gypsies.

Dana walked over to the Queen and bowed to her, and the Queen revealed her face again, then walked over to her people; the small prince in tow.

Cody walked in the dark, pulling candy out of his pants as he went, when someone hit his head with a rock and knocked him out. He cried out with pain and fell to the sand below him. Three figures crowded around him and picked him up. As he fell unconscious, he noticed they had no shoes

We hope you liked it Eleni, next chapter we're putting Crystal in it. Give you a hint, she going to be a lion.


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